1. Lose weight. How about just not gaining any new weight? It’s practically the same as losing weight. I know me, and I think this is a realistic objective. Say no to new weight!!!
2. Get a hobby. I have hobbies: sleeping, drinking, and watching TV. What did you have in mind?
3. Exercise more. Ha! Moving on…
4. Get into a meaningful relationship. Try a relationship with basil. I love basil. It doesn’t snore, it expects nothing from me except water and sunlight, plus I can eat it. It’s delightful.
5. Be more positive. Have you watched the news? I think I’m pretty fucking positive, considering. I got out of bed this morning, didn’t I? Get off my back.
6. Make more money. This one I can get behind. As long as I don’t have to work more hours.
7. Volunteer somewhere. You betcha, as long as I get paid (refer to number 6.)
8. Spend less time on social media. *crickets*
9. Make new friends. I’m game. I like people, well, some people. Sometimes. I don’t know how without going to a bar, so I guess I’ll have to make do with the friends I have.
10. Self-improve. Fuck you, I’m awesome.

I hope you find this helpful.