- Lose weight. How about just not gaining any new weight? It’s practically the same as losing weight. I know me, and I think this is a realistic objective. Say no to new weight!!!
- Get a hobby. I have hobbies: sleeping, drinking, and watching TV. What did you have in mind?
- Exercise more. Ha! Moving on…
- Get into a meaningful relationship. Try a relationship with basil. I love basil. It doesn’t snore, it expects nothing from me except water and sunlight, plus I can eat it. It’s delightful.
- Be more positive. Have you watched the news? I think I’m pretty fucking positive, considering. I got out of bed this morning, didn’t I? Get off my back.
- Make more money. This one I can get behind. As long as I don’t have to work more hours.
- Volunteer somewhere. You betcha, as long as I get paid (refer to number 6.)
- Spend less time on social media. *crickets*
- Make new friends. I’m game. I like people, well, some people. Sometimes. I don’t know how without going to a bar, so I guess I’ll have to make do with the friends I have.
- Self-improve. Fuck you, I’m awesome.
I hope you find this helpful.